So you’ve decided you’re going to leave, you just aren’t sure how to tell your spouse. I was in the same position last summer, and though I scoured the internet for suggestions, I was on my own to figure it out. How do you put something so monumental into words?
I knew my STBX wouldn’t take the news well. After all, I was his maid, nanny, personal assistant, calendar keeper, shopper, household inventory manager, secretary, hair cutter, cook, social engagement specialist, trash collector, income earner, and full-time operator of the smoke and mirrors.
I needed to be brief and direct, because he hated when I took too long to get to a point. (He often circled a finger in the air to tell me as much.) And I didn’t want to give him an opportunity to interrupt me before I’d said what I needed to say.
No sidetracking the mission!
So I wrote a script, memorized it and timed it. Then I trimmed it and repeated the process until I was sure I could say it all in under a minute without stammering. Feel free to use my speech, or any part of it, if it helps you take that next step toward freedom.
That wasn’t the speech, but it’s a great summary.
Maybe try this one instead:
Hey, we need to talk. ( attention grabber )
I want a divorce. ( no beating around the bush )
You know I’ve been unhappy for a long while now. ( stated as fact, because it is )
I think the kids are all old enough to understand that and to want us both to be happy.
So I’ve spoken with an attorney and completed the initial paperwork.
I have this for you to fill out. ( I handed him a folder with the papers from my attorney )
I need those completed and returned before X DATE, when I’m going to pay the retainer. ( I allowed 2 weeks )
That should give you enough time to review the papers and find an attorney as well.
And those were my final instruction as his personal handler
That was it. Hours, days, weeks, months, of mental preparation for a roughly 20 second speech. But I stayed on track, said what needed said, and it was over.
He never even asked me why.
I can’t tell you what life will be like if you leave your spouse, but I can tell you that you deserve to feel valued, loved, seen, heard, and most importantly - as if you have a 100% fully-committed partner in this life. If you don’t, and your heart is breaking, it doesn’t have to stay this way.
Hope the script helps!
For those of you who’ve already been through this, how did you let them know?
I did not tell him. It took me 9 years, 3 months and 13 days to get mine finalized. All mental abuse and he was good at his craft. Religious when convenient. Narcissistic, controlling, and he did it all nicely. Never yelled. Last June I celebrated 25 years of being without him and being happy. His third wife has already divorced him. He is still the charmer
My husband's cousin told his wife over the phone while she was at work. I don't recommend that, it was a little childish and cowardly, although to be fair she was a bit of a emotional abuser. My dad simply told my mom he was going to talk to a lawyer. They had been having issues for a while and were going for counseling, but it wasn't working. I think Mark just sat his first wife down and basically said "this isn't working" and moved out for a while. He moved back and they agreed to move forward with the divorce, but she wanted to go to counseling and framed it so they could "find a way to move forward, separately", which was a lie, it was marriage counseling, and she was furious when she found out he was seeing me (then don't lie about why you wanted counseling).